Carolyn Hax: Gynecologist turns appointments into weight

Nov 11, 2023

Adapted from an online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn: Will you give me a Pap smear or a pep talk? I am dreading my yearly OB/GYN appointment. My doctor, while very personable, continues to care more about my weight than any other issues. I am in my mid-50s and obese, but I am working out two to three times a week with a professional trainer. Those sessions are quite strenuous.

I am not normally at a loss for words, but my mild pushback during the last physical resulted in an irritated doctor, pushing additional “suggestions” — which usually entail signing up for a commercial weight-loss program, visiting a colleague who is not in my network, tummy tucks, etc. I generally reserve those topics for my yearly visits with my general practitioner and prefer she concentrate on my “woman parts.” Yet I know the first thing out of her mouth during the next visit will be, once again: “You still need to lose weight. Are you still exercising?”

— At a Loss for Words

At a Loss for Words: A pep talk, then:

Get another doctor. If that’s not practical, then state clearly to this one that you are working with your primary doctor on the weight and will not discuss it in this appointment. It’s your appointment, your care. You say what and when. If you lose your nerve in situations like this, then write it down and hand the note over.

Readers’ thoughts:

· If — or better yet, when — you leave this OB/GYN, be sure to explain why, ideally in writing and to management if the doctor is not the practice owner.

· I have to ask all my doctors not to discuss my weight: If they tell me I should lose weight, then I will obsess about it and start to gain weight. Most get it and are respectful. I did have to tell one of them twice. A “My weight is not up for discussion” on an intake form worked really well, too. They are trying to help, but it’s not always helpful. Best of luck!

· Please find another gynecologist who will respect your boundaries. Too often, doctors like yours are quick to dismiss symptoms of diseases as a “need to lose weight.” Then they act all surprised when you end up having a basketball-size tumor removed from your ovary. So, for your own mental and physical health, find a gynecologist who is focused on you as you are, and not on what you look like. You deserve better! Talk to your GP, who you trust, and ask for a referral.

Dear Carolyn: I have a 1-year-old, and my relationship is at a breaking point. There have been a lot of pressures (difficult pregnancy, 200-square-foot home), and I honestly sometimes feel as if my partner hates me. But when it’s good, it’s so good, and we adore our little one. I hate the idea of him growing up split between parents, but I also hate the idea of him growing up with us like this. With very little kids, is it best to split or not?

— To split or not to split

To split or not to split: I would hate you if I lived with you and a baby in 200 square feet. I would hate me even more. And new parents are stressed and spiky. So if you can move to a better space, then do that — and postpone any splitting thoughts till you see whether that works. Remember: If you do split, then you’ll have all the new-parent stress plus the added expenses of two homes, so apply those projected costs toward more room(s).

From the archive:

Dysfunctional in-laws want to join her side of family’s vacation

Girlfriend flubbed birthday celebration for boyfriend

Lovelorn ex-boyfriend needs to take different tack

What to call the grandparents? How about Rigid and Unbending?

Permission to ghost fairweather friends

More:

Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning.

Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is Sept. 8 at 12 p.m.

Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary